1987: I’m born a month premature and two weeks later contract pneumonia. I spend weeks in the hospital before going home. My mother credits the Virgin Mary and 7-Up.
1994: I impress friends and family with an innate ability to recall names, places and faces. Furthermore I’m able to articulately argue my way out of anything. Impressed, my parents proudly proclaim I’ll be a successful lawyer. I have other ideas and proudly proclaim I’ll be a successful kangaroo. And so 16 years of underachieving begin.
1996: Like every other Mexican son, I am enrolled in youth soccer. Despite showing a natural flair for the beautiful game, I realize talking with my teammates about wrestling and cracking jokes is a lot more fun than running around in 100 degree weather. Some years later, I hang up my boots becoming a 12 year old has-been and forever crushing my father’s dream of me becoming the next Hugo Sanchez.
2000: Ah, my first foray into business. After getting a brand new computer, I begin printing and selling Dragon Ball Z pictures for $10 a pop. However, my start up biz is shut down when teachers complain and kids realize their computer has a search feature too.
2002: I go into my first test in World History carrying a high D. I make that test my bitch and get the highest grade on it. My professor then stops harassing me about missing homework and I go back to sleeping and running illegal football pools from my desk.
2005: I graduate high school with a 2.7 GPA and no sense of direction. I enroll at Modesto Junior College where my quick thinking and minimal homework requirements allow me to finish in two years and transfer to San Diego State with a 3.33 GPA. Hooray, success!
2010: After the time of my life in Barcelona, I return to San Diego State for my last semester. I suffer a quarter life crisis and repeatedly find myself on my floor curled up in the fetal position and listening to 90’s Mexican pop to remind me of happy times. My brother tells me to quit being a little bitch.
2012: After a few years of freelancing and loitering around my hometown, I decide to pick up and move to the Bay Area and join an awesome startup named Waze. I proudly proclaim that I’ll make the Forbes 30 Under 30 list within five years. My parents are just happy that I have health insurance.