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I want to root for the 49ers this weekend. I really do. I grew up about 2 hours away from San Francisco, I love The City itself, and hell, I even played against Colin Kaepernick in high school. But there is just one thing…I’m a Raider fan.

Being a Raider fan and watching the 49er’s ascension to the Super Bowl is almost like being a girl and having a younger, prettier sister that everyone wants to date. Sure you want to be supportive, but you can’t really be happy for the bitch.

It’s a real possibility that I’ll never be able to explain to my children what the playoffs are. I was a sophomore in High School when we last played in the post-season. It’s been pain and heartbreak ever since.

Yet like patients with Alzheimer’s, us Raider fans come back every year with the claim that “THIS IS OUR YEAR!” As if a free agent signing or a high draft pick will make up for years of poor management and horrible personell choices.

This brings me to my next point. Don't do cocaine.
This brings me to my next point. Don’t do cocaine.

And I know, the Raiders and the Niners aren’t the biggest of rivals. We even share a love-child that is blossoming this year. The Warriors! It’s not as if I’m rooting for the Broncos or even the Chiefs. But It’s hard to cheer on the Niners…unless I get two things off my chest.

1. Jim Harbaugh

Calm down, bro.
Calm down, bro.

Number one, your coach. Jim Harbaugh is one of those coaches that if he’s your coach, you love him. If he’s not, you hate him. Why? Because he’s an a-hole. I have never been a fan of his theatrics. That hissy fit he threw against the Falcons was ridiculous. Calm down bro, you’re a grown-ass man.

To his credit, I will give him props for pulling the switch and elevating Man Crush of The Week Recipient Colin Kaepernick to starter status. I was a fan of that.

For the record, I am not a fan of our coach, Dennis Allen. I think he cut our balls off. Reggie McKenzie, you too. I have never understood why NFL coaches and GM’s come into a new team, clean house and try to rush implementing their own system. It never works! I mean a 12 year old could have told you that Darren McFadden was not going to succeed in Greg Knapp’s running system! I’ll rant more on this later.

Back on topic, if Harbaugh was our coach, I’d love him. But he’s not so he’s an asshole. Next point.

2. Michael Crabtree

Wow it's so bright indoors, good thing you wore sun glasses.
Wow it’s so bright indoors, good thing you wore sun glasses.

I have never been a Michael Crabtree fan. Even in college, he had the aura of prima-donna  This theory was further solidified when V-Diddy and him almost came to blows in practice his rookie year. And did you guys see him at the press conference after the Falcons game? This isn’t a Bad Boy video, take your glasses off when you’re indoors asshole!

In the 2009 NFL Draft, the highly touted Crabtree was projected to be the first receiver taken in the draft. Oakland, with pick #7 was in desperate need of a receiver (well, a lot of things actually) and many had us taking the Texas Tech alum. With Oakland on the clock, the cameras glanced repeatedly and focused on Crabtree’s table, waiting on his imminent selection. But the Raiders went Raiders and selected Darrius Heyward-Bey, a burner from Maryland.

Everyone in the room and everyone watching at home lost their shit. “Oakland reached! They should have traded down/ selected Crabtree/ drafter a punter!”

Personally, I really wanted ‘Lamborghini’ Percy Harvin, and I was shocked we took DHB, especially becuase he could have probably gotten him in second round. But DHB is my boy and he’s getting better.

So Crabtree is pissed. And then after the draft his mom or someone in his camp says that they were glad that Oakland passed on him. WTF.

Then this mother-trucker goes on to hold out in training camp, because he says he should be paid like the first receiver taken, because clearly he was SUPPOSED to be the first receiver off the board.

WTF? I don’t have enough breadcrumbs to get home. Who says that? You got taken #10, which is really, really, high. So calm your shit.

The jury is till out on DHB and Crabtree. Some may make the case that later picks such as Percy and Hakeem Nicks (taken by the Giants at 29) have outplayed the top two receivers taken that year. But we’ll see.

Anyways, after ranting for the last hour or so, I’ve decided that I’ll support all my Niner friends and pull for them. I love San Francisco…the city. So I’ll partake in the festivities. Besides, if their is one thing I detest more than a Harbaugh fit it is Ray Lewis’ “Look at me, look at me!” dancing.

So to my SF-based friends, good luck on Sunday. I’ll see you then. I’ll be the delusional Raider fan cheering on my local sports team.