Avoid this.

Thinking about traveling to this fall? Have you always wanted to see the sights and hear the sounds of the world? Is that travel bug itching to be scratched? If you answered yes, then keep reading. And if you answered no, then go f*** yourself.

What if I told you that for a tenth of the price, you could get that worldwide, culturally enriching experience you’ve always wanted right here, in the Central Valley? Best part, you wont have to leave your area code!

Mexico

 

Remember people: Going to Cancun or Cabo doesn’t count as going to Mexico. Both places are essentially American colonies, populated by rich families on vacation and drunk college kids spewing vomit and STD’s everywhere.

For the authentic Mexican experience, head down to Crows Landing Road! With its delicious food trucks, Spanish signage and a vibrant flea market, Crows Landing Road in Ceres is your one stop shop for all things Mexican! Stop by one of the many taco trucks and enjoy a taste of Latin America. Need new tires, but don’t want to pay full retail price? Stop by a tire shop and haggle your way to a price you think is fair! And finally, there is no better place to find souvenirs than the flea market. If you can dream it, some ambitious Mexican there has built it. Where else will you find a Donald Duck statue with a Nazi helmet?

So for your next vacation, please consider Crows Landing Road (or as it is known locally, ‘la croslandín’. Crows Landing: It’s Mexico, without the whole violent drug war thing.

Netherlands

“Ripon? Eh, it’s okay.”

What do Ripon and Amsterdam have in common? If you guessed legal prostitution, marijuana cookies, beautiful architecture and liberal laws, then you are fucking retarded. Ripon might just be the complete opposite of Amsterdam. However, both cites have a significant Dutch makeup.

It may surprise many people, but Ripon was to some extent founded by Dutch Colonials who presumably didn’t like to party. But I’m sure if you squint hard enough, Ripon looks like Amsterdam. Or maybe that is just the weed talking.

Portugal

Standard Portuguese dance moves.

Did you know that the Central Valley has more Azorean Portuguese people than the actual Azores? Now you do! Portuguese immigrants began coming by the boatload in the 1940’s. They saw the central valley’s rich soil as the perfect place to raise their farms and cows. Chances are, that if you meet a Portuguese person in the valley, they are somehow associated with a dairy.

Cities like Gustine, Hilmar, Modesto and Thornton host Portuguese festa’s year in and year out. These religious celebrations attract thousands of people with both Portuguese and non-Portuguese lineage.  Composed of religious services, dances and bullfights, festas are an absolute blast.  And if you’re Mexican you’ll fit right in! Festas are essentially quincianeras with a “shhhhhhhhhhhh”

Assyrians

This is Eddie. He’s Assyrian. And awesome.

Historically a nomadic warrior tribe, the Assyrian people haven’t had a home in centuries (or maybe ever, let me check.) But the race that originated in Eden between the Tigris and the Euphrates River has found a place to call their own: Chicago Illinois.

But if Chicago is the de-facto Capital to the Assyrians, then Turlock, CA is the Assyrian’s second most important city.

Statistically speaking, 8% of Turlock is Assyrian. That’s the fourth highest concentration in the United States and the highest in the West Coast. Assyrians began immigrating en masse in the 70’s and 80’s after political upheaval in the Middle East.

A couple tips when interacting with Assyrians:

If you hear two Assyrians yelling at each other, don’t worry, they’re just saying hi.

Learning Assyrian isn’t hard. All you have to do is say “bro” before AND after every sentence and constantly remind people that the mid 1990’s Chicago Bulls are the greatest sports dynasty of all time.

So next time you’re in Turlock, don’t forget to stop by the Assyrian Hall, BRO.

So there you have it! Now you know that you could get a culturally enriching experience, right here in your back yard.